CAVEAT LECTOR

Read at your own risk. This blogger is not responsible for making sense.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

life in elizabeth pond

life in elizabeth pond sucks!
it sucks because its cramped
it sucks because it gets flooded
it sucks because there are rats bigger than my feet!
*swearing* *swearing* *swearing again*

it sucks because wla'y jeep nga mu-agi
it sucks because samok kaayo akong papa mag-apil2x
it sucks because manimaho ta ug sud-an gikan sa carenderia
*swearing* *swearing* *swearing again*

but most of all it sucks because
i have nowhere else to go!
Thank God for elizabeth pond
sige nlng...
God bless our home
ay mas-angay...
God have mercy

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

when the night is cold

I'm not usually fond of the cold
But i have to admit
it is cozy

It's like a blanket
wrapping around you
tempting you to fall asleep

The cold reminds me of the night
because that is when its usually cold
the night is dreadful if its warm

So although i am not quite fond of the cold
I have to admit
it is cozy

Why am i not fond of the cold?

Because when it gets too cold
my nose reacts
and the portion of my arms just above the elbows
become increasingly uncomfortable

When the night is cold
i usually have my long-sleeved shirt with me
it keeps me warm at work
and my daughter keeps me warm at home
She likes cuddling up

I have given up on having a man keep me warm
because when the night is cold
there usually is no man to keep me warm
and i have gotten used to it
and now i prefer it

although i have to admit
i do miss it sometimes

to be in the arms of a man who loves me
to be in the arms of a man who would take care of me

that would be a queer turn of events
but that would be cozy too
especially when the night is cold

working the GRO sked

The Graveyard Shift, which I have also fondly named the "GRO Sked" is applicable to everybody who starts work late at night until the wee hours of the morning. While everyone else is asleep, here are the people who roam the night for food; work on their pc's or their fones; report to non-Filipino clients or bosses (ergo the skewed working hours in the first place).

It's not that bad really. Aside from the additional night differential pay, which I have to admit is a great help during these trying times (though how meager it seems). Better than nothing right? :) Anyway, working the GRO Sked also brings out the queerness in people. ;)

It's fun watching people try to keep themselves awake. Even a whole lot more fun watching them fall asleep! But well... here are some of the unique ways people stay awake where I work:

5. Sing and dance to really baduy Tagalog songs... hehehe no offense to the OPM lovers out there, but when people just start singing Yeye Bonel at the top of their lungs, even if its not supposed to be baduy... it becomes negotiable

4. Spin around in the ergonomic chairs, falling in the process, waking up everyone else who's drowsy as well. Yahoo!

3. Eat... eat... eat... (Nothing new here)

2. Send stupid one-liner emails back and forth for no particular reason.

And the top 1 spot - talk about crap or sex! hahaha or anything leading up to it. Somehow though I notice that most conversations lead to these anyway. No point being prudish about it because that is just the way it is sometimes


Monday, December 20, 2004

how looking back should be

["Wasn't It Good" by Tina Arena]

Wouldn't you know it I've lost my courage
Isn't that funny, me lost for words
Not that it really matters, 'cause I know you know
And you would have told me yourself if you could

Remember the first time, we met each other
You were in your world and I was in mine
Breaking down the barriers, we broke all the rules
But wasn't it good, wasn't it fine
While I took for granted, you took your time

Longing for love oh how we tried
It's over now that's understood, but wasn't it good
So long together, two would be lovers
Caring for flowers that just wouldn't grow

And in all of our tomorrows, we'll have yesterday
And wasn't it good, wasn't it fine
While I took for granted, you took your time
Longing for love, oh how we tried
It's over now that's understood

But wasn't it good

my life as i know it

[Acoustic #3 by Googoo Dolls]

They painted up your secrets
With the lies they told to you
And the least they ever gave you
Was the most you ever knew

And I wonder where these dreams go
When the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming
No one's listening anyway

Your voice is small and fading
And you hide in here unknown
And your mother loves your father
Cause she's got nowhere to go

And she wonders where these dreams go
Cause the world got in her way
What's the point in ever trying
Nothing's changing anyway

They press their lips against you
And you love the lies they say
And I tried so hard to reach you
But you're falling anyway

And you know I see right through you
Cause the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming
You're not listening anyway

Friday, December 17, 2004

all over again

i'm starting all over again
i did something all wrong
it is such a simple simple task
and i did it wrong
so now i have to do it all over again!

just think of all the time i wasted
doing something that was wrong in the first place!
Waaaaaaaaaaaaah!
i just want to scream

sometimes somethings in life we can redo
like this task i did wrong tonight

there are some things in life we can't redo at all
like the faults i made in the past
that led me to the path i am now

i'm not saying i regret them
although i could say there could have been better options
i would not know for sure
i am sure though
that for now
although i'm redoing a lot
all over again

although i'm not fully happy
i am in part happy
and that is better than none at all
although i'm not fulfilled
i am in part complete
and that is better than none at all

i am better off
not because i have a lot (because i don't)
but because i have enough
and that's not bad

although i'm not sure if i could redo everything in time
i will redo everything the best i can
in hopes that next time
something has to be done
redoing them would no longer be necessary
(yah! i wish!)


stupidity

have you ever just wanted to hit yourself?
have you ever caught yourself being so stupid?
... doing the stupidest thing?
... not thinking at all?

now is one of those times for me.
now is just one of the many many times for me
i think times like these are more often nowadays.

i just feel so stupid
i feel so dumb
sometimes i think i should just do nothing at all
because everytime i do something
it comes out all wrong
and i give myself a headache
i give other people a headache
it is just such a headache

stupidity is a funny thing
stupidity is also annoying
stupidity is annoyingly funny

but right now i just feel
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhh!

raising andrea... raising athena

I have a daughter. Her name is andrea.
She is beautiful and smart.
She is sociable and happy.
She is also... a pain in the ass!

But i do love her
Oh how i love her
Sometimes with this love
i find it so hard to raise her the way i should

Why can't all that skill just come with love?
Why can't good intent bring about fruitful means?

Everything just becomes so difficult.
Raising Andrea is just so difficult.

And more often than not
i think maybe it is so hard to raise her
because at the same time
i am raising myself

Just as i am watching and helping her to grow up
so am i (i'm forcing myself to grow up too)

I have to grow up and be patient
... grow up and be accountable
... grow up and be responsible
... grow up and be strong
... grow up and share
... grow up and teach
... grow up and be an example

Sounds so simple, doesn't it?
but it's so hard growing up
and harder even when you're taking someone along

I feel guilty sometimes
bringing a life into this world
a life i can't seem to steer in the right direction
i feel so incapable sometimes
its like "the blind leading the blind"

I feel as if i'm groping in the dark
and i'm dragging her along with me
... stumbling everytime i stumble
... falling everytime i fall
... hurting everytime i take a wrong turn

I feel so irresponsible
i feel like the child
but i must act like the parent
i am the child parent
a child and a parent

although i don't think
age defines maturity
neither does age define adulthood
and so it must also follow that
it can't define parenthood as well

Can anyone be fully prepared for parenthood?
Can anyone be fully ready to raise a child?
i don't think so.

I guess that's what makes parenthood so difficult
it is raising oneself in the anticipation
as one has to raise someone else

In order to raise andrea
i have to raise athena
so while i am raising her
i am also raising myself


Thursday, December 09, 2004

whispers

i whispered in the night
i whispered a little wish
i hoped someone or something heard it

i whispered you would fall asleep
and wake up happy

i wished you would be able to do
what i am not able and be relieved

i said a small silent maybe even insignificant prayer
that i could be with you and you were here

but i wished more you would be happy
even if it meant not being with me

i whispered to the oblivion
that you would be safe
and you would be fine

i whispered to the wind
to take you where you wanted to go

i whispered to the paths
to help you find your way to destiny

i whispered to fate
that she be near to you
that she be in your favor

i whispered to the moon
that he shine when you would lose your way

i whispered to the stars
that they grant your wishes when the time came

i whispered to the ground
who would see you off as i never could

i whispered to God
that he watch over you as i never could

i whispered to everything else that i hoped was out there
that they bring you what i never could

i whispered my wishes
i whispered my hopes
i had run out for my own
and so i said what i had left for you

in whispers
were i love you's
probably never to be heard again

because in the past
i had cried in whispers
as i tried to show you

but you didn't feel those whispers
you wanted only to hear

but my whispers
only the nothingness could hear

so now i whisper
as you go away
that you find the whispers
you had always desired

i whisper my wishes
to the moonlit sky

i whisper this wish
as the dawn comes on high

i whisper to them
that you find what you seek
even if it means you do not come back to me

i whisper to God
that he watch over you as i never could

i whisper to everything else that i hoped was out there
that they give you what i never could

what's the point

what point is there in trying to save a relationship that is doomed to failure
what point is there in trying to pursue an affair that is defined by restriction

what point is there in trying so hard to stay together
what point is there in trying so hard to make him feel loved

what point is there in trying
what point is there in loving

there is no point
how can there be?

when he can't look passed himself to where i am
when he can't understand where i stand my ground

when he is overwhelmed by my reality
when he is unaccustomed to the sacrifices i must make

when he does not see why i must
when he does not comprehend why i should

because he can't look passed himself to where i am
when he can't understand where i stand my ground

because my world is far different from his
because he wants me to dwell in his world
he wants me to be in his reality

where i bend to his gravity
where i breathe his air

where i can be but only alone
where i cannot be because i am alone

alone in a dry dessert
where i am but a handful of sand

alone in a deep chasm
where i am but an arm in the darkness

pointless
aimless
except for an infant's cries
which holds me
and keeps me
as many a traveller goes by

what point is there in keeping a conversation going
what point is there in reviving a spark

what point is there in hearing he loves me
what point is there in hearing when his actions are contrary

what point is there in trying to understand
why try anymore than i already have

i have shed my tears
i have stolen time
i have denied my daughter
too many times

and for what?
the love of a man?
the call of obligation?

i have been broken and hurt
i have been happy and glad
i am done with it all

what point is there in trying anymore
what point is there in hoping
what point is there...

there is none
none that i know of
none that i can see

man vs child

i do not want to have to choose between a man and my child. i resent being made to feel bad about having to go home to a sick child just because i was not able to keep a date. i understand it must also be disappointing on the other end, but it is beyond my control. and if it would ever come to the point of choosing, heaven knows i would choose my daughter.

and why would i choose my daughter?
because a month to a year from now, no man will give me a second thought. man is fickle though he doesn't admit it. he can toss you aside like a used rag and have you feeling like it was all your fault that he had to throw you away.

because a decade from now, no man will give me a second look. man is superficial. he will always desire what is young and beautiful - which i cannot always be and i surely will not always be. he will justify this with all the musings of a schoolboy, the philosophical crap of a scholar, and the sentiments of a romantic, but it all boils down to the same thing. i do not want you anymore.

because when i am old and gray and ugly, only my daughter would see me in the continuity of who i was and who i am. because if i ever get to live that long, i doubt a man will be beside me.


Wednesday, December 08, 2004

boredom begins

It is a sad day for me today. Our team has just been divided into day and night shift. It's so sad because i won't be able to see half the team - the noisy, naughty, fun half of the team. I will truly truly miss them. Even if they are sometimes annoying and relatively horny, they are still the best at cheering me up and the best at having me tag along their mischief. There was never a boring night while they were around. They always kept me from falling asleep.

Now what WON'T happen now that they're no longer around? Well for one, there would be less scolding. Two, I wouldn't be able to eat out so often because there would no longer be any body guards to go along. For the unenlightened, our lunch is at 1:00am, so its not a walk in the park to go out and have lunch. Three, I wouldn't be able to smell their smoke belching after lunch. They were chain smokers in denial. Four, I wouldn't be able to laugh at their stupid and often times green jokes. Five, I wouldn't be able to notice if there would be any more pretty girls who joined the company. Six, I wouldn't have awkward moments where there was a guy looking over my shoulder while I text or type personal notes. Seven, I wouldn't have anybody to buy me unnecessary things like ice cream, candy, & gum and the not so unnecessary like food and medicine. Eight, there wouldn't be annoying nudges and emails asking for rescue when they couldn't find their assignments. And finally, there wouldn't be any excuse for mischief because there would be no one left to blame! Oh how sad!

And then I would have to keep my walkman in good condition as it would be the only thing to keep me awake. So I guess this is where the boredom begins. All work and no play I could handle, but all work and no guys to play with would be a whole lot harder to handle. I do hope we'd get to work together again. Its funny because, we are not really the best or the closest of friends, sometimes we don't even have anything in common except work. But the night seems to just lighten up when we get together. There is a group chemistry that just allows us to not kill each other. It may not have been always sunshine and flowers, but for sure there was always something to talk and laugh about. And that is worth coming to work for.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

to do list

i always have a to-do list in my head. i have to plan my day, so to speak. maybe its the control freak in me that has to know what's going to happen during the day. or maybe i just want something to look forward to.

i want to be purposive about what i do with my time, specially with my daughter. just as i wouldn't want to be bored, i don't want her to be bored either. it would be such a long day if there would be nothing to look forward to and plan for.


meowsic

music calms the soul
or so they say

it is distraction
it is meditation
it moves me

and when it does
i don't give a shit
what other people think

rock
alternative
these days they appeal to me more

its like a stretch of reality
and an extension of imagination
at the same time

its singing the lyrics
and making it my own
its living the words
and knowing what it means
its taking in the rhythm
and letting the world turn over

they are the same as us
only they got to write
and they got to sing
and they got on air

and now their words
could be ours
and our words
may have moved them
into saying them for us

i'm not sure
who i'd be without music
pretty darn boring
that's for sure

its grasping
and letting go

makes you happy
makes you cry
makes you remember
makes you forget

it can kill time
it can stop time

i'm not sure
how life would be without music
pretty darn boring
that for sure

Waiting for his turn to die

[Broadway is Dark Tonight by Googoo Dolls]

Broadway's dark tonight
A little bit weaker than you used to be
Broadway's dark tonight
See the young man sittin' in the old man's bar
Waitin' for his turn to die

The cowboy kills the rock star
And Friday night's gone too far
The dim light hides the years
On all the faded girls

Forgotten but not gone
You drink it off your mind
You talk about the world like it's someplace that you've been

You see,
you'd love to run home,
but you know you ain't got one
Cuz you're livin' in a world that you're best forgotten,
around here

Broadway's dark tonight
A little bit weaker than you used to be
Broadway's dark tonight
See the young man sittin' in the old man's bar
Waitin' for his turn to die

You choke down all your anger
Forget your only son
You pray to statues when you sober up for fun
Your anger don't impress me
The world slapped in your face
It always rains like hell on the loser's day parade

You see, you'd love to run home,
but you know you ain't got one
Cuz you're livin' in a world that you're best forgotten

When you're thinkin' you're a joke and nobody's gonna listen
To the one small point I know they've been missing around here

Broadway's dark tonight
A little bit weaker than you used to be
Broadway's dark tonight
See the young man sittin' in the old man's bar
Waitin' for his turn to die

Monday, December 06, 2004

right now

right now
i have a mug in front of me
that is... aside from the pc

right now
i'm just about ready to go home
when its still about 25 minutes until we're allowed to

on my cubicle
is a 2005 calendar (free from SM)
i don't even know if i'll get to use it here
coz i'm not even sure if i'll stay 'til then

i've changed a lot
i used to adore permanence
i used to cling to constancy
i used to be an admirer of stability

now i'm just flowing with the now
where the next moment takes me
will then be my new now

it makes me wonder though
should i be scared
should i be glad
should i go on
with this new attitude that i have

or is this really new?
did i adopt this just now?
or did i have it since long before?
i just didn't know how to let it show?

i don't care anymore

in the cubicle to my right is mary ann's
very festive
with christmas decors galore
practically every nook
is cramped with her mementos
-a half-naked sexy pig figurine
-an old picture of her baby boy
-her books
-her mugs
-her candies (slowly running out while she's away)
-her cork board
-her herness
every angle of it reminds me of her
i envy that sometimes

i cannot seem to leave myself like that
i always have the tendency to feel like i'm in a common area
like in the zoo or in the park
where it says
"leave nothing but footprints
take nothing but pictures"
(i forgot how the rest of it went)

but that's the way i seem to behave
or that's the way i want to behave
i find it embarassing to leave something of myself
and so i take everything with me

i take everything along to the next now
maybe bec it hurts me to part with such things
such things that were once part of my now

bec in the next now
they will remind me of a yesterday
and so with my every now
i face with more and more baggage

and again i wonder
if i could go on this way?
i say to myself
i should leave some behind
i just can't keep dragging everything along

does this make it harder to move on?
or on the contrary does it make it easier?
because i do not feel loss
because everything is taken with me
everything i find important
like the mug

the mug
that's all there is of mine here
and to think
the mug isn't even really mine

right now
i wonder
do i have something that is mine

right now
i don't think so

right now
i think i'm just the care taker
of all these things
i seem to have

right now
i'll just take everything along then
maybe in the next now
the real owners might want them back

right now
is already 20 minutes after i started
but my stomache still hurts
and i'm glad it does

right now
i thank God
i have my stomache ache
i'm taking it with me too

to remind me what could have been
and what could not have been
and to remind me what i should be grateful for
and to remind me what i should be careful about
and more importantly, because even if i did
want to leave it behind -- well... i couldn't
because i'm no star fish

right now
i envy the star fish
she can spit out her stomache
when it aches
and grow a new one

just like i can leave my now
and grow a new one
its just sad
that i can only control so much
only as much as the right now
i see in my mind

and not the reality
that is right now
i cannot right the wrong
i cannot undo what has been done

whatever the case
right now
i'm done



Friday, December 03, 2004

thinking of thoughts

when i'm very tired
i try to stop thinking

coz more often than not
i'm thinking about something
i'd rather not be thinking about
have you ever encountered that?

and as you grow even more tired
you grow ever more anxious
thinking about what you shouldn't be thinking

so now i've been thinking
what if i don't stop myself from thinking?

thinking has always gotten me through a lot of scrapes
in fact come to think of it
its NOT thinking that has gotten me in trouble

it is tiring though
and sometimes also depressing

depressing when i dwell on thoughts
that in the first place caused the tiredness

depressing when i dwell on thoughts

and sometimes the good
are just as bad as the bad

because i get caught up in them
so much so that
sometimes the comparison to reality
can be very disappointing
and again... depressing

but i guess
that's just the way it is

maybe that's why we are entitled to thoughts for free
maybe that's why we should just let our thoughts be free

let's think what has to be thought
then feel what has to be felt

i doubt there's any escape anyway
they will always haunt us, in the dead of night in our dreams
or in the brightest of day, in the toilet or on the sidewalk

thinking is just like breathing
i figure if we hold it in for too long,
we'd turn blue

and if we, for some reason can no longer think
i figure like breathing
we'd probably die

thoughts are like air
one of the few things left
that we don't have to pay for
though we can't choose its quality anymore

more often than not, thoughts are like air
more often than not polluted
more often than not limited

so then if air is a precious resource
than so are thoughts
and so is thinking

so there
i shouldn't stop myself from thinking
because if i did
it would be just like stopping myself from breathing
just because i was tired
or just because the air was too much to bear
i don't want to breathe it

its silly
my analogy
but it answers my question for now
so it'll have to do for now
as i think of thinking
and think of thoughts

i guess its a necessity
and its a curse
its a blessing and a burden
to live with

but still i say... i'm tired of thinking

let's sing our good bye song

(the things that stick from teaching pre-school)

and now that work is over
we are going home
good bye good bye
be always kind and good

we are going
we are going
now good bye
now good bye

see you all tomorrow
see you all tomorrow
now good bye