right now

right now
i have a mug in front of me
that is... aside from the pc

right now
i'm just about ready to go home
when its still about 25 minutes until we're allowed to

on my cubicle
is a 2005 calendar (free from SM)
i don't even know if i'll get to use it here
coz i'm not even sure if i'll stay 'til then

i've changed a lot
i used to adore permanence
i used to cling to constancy
i used to be an admirer of stability

now i'm just flowing with the now
where the next moment takes me
will then be my new now

it makes me wonder though
should i be scared
should i be glad
should i go on
with this new attitude that i have

or is this really new?
did i adopt this just now?
or did i have it since long before?
i just didn't know how to let it show?

i don't care anymore

in the cubicle to my right is mary ann's
very festive
with christmas decors galore
practically every nook
is cramped with her mementos
-a half-naked sexy pig figurine
-an old picture of her baby boy
-her books
-her mugs
-her candies (slowly running out while she's away)
-her cork board
-her herness
every angle of it reminds me of her
i envy that sometimes

i cannot seem to leave myself like that
i always have the tendency to feel like i'm in a common area
like in the zoo or in the park
where it says
"leave nothing but footprints
take nothing but pictures"
(i forgot how the rest of it went)

but that's the way i seem to behave
or that's the way i want to behave
i find it embarassing to leave something of myself
and so i take everything with me

i take everything along to the next now
maybe bec it hurts me to part with such things
such things that were once part of my now

bec in the next now
they will remind me of a yesterday
and so with my every now
i face with more and more baggage

and again i wonder
if i could go on this way?
i say to myself
i should leave some behind
i just can't keep dragging everything along

does this make it harder to move on?
or on the contrary does it make it easier?
because i do not feel loss
because everything is taken with me
everything i find important
like the mug

the mug
that's all there is of mine here
and to think
the mug isn't even really mine

right now
i wonder
do i have something that is mine

right now
i don't think so

right now
i think i'm just the care taker
of all these things
i seem to have

right now
i'll just take everything along then
maybe in the next now
the real owners might want them back

right now
is already 20 minutes after i started
but my stomache still hurts
and i'm glad it does

right now
i thank God
i have my stomache ache
i'm taking it with me too

to remind me what could have been
and what could not have been
and to remind me what i should be grateful for
and to remind me what i should be careful about
and more importantly, because even if i did
want to leave it behind -- well... i couldn't
because i'm no star fish

right now
i envy the star fish
she can spit out her stomache
when it aches
and grow a new one

just like i can leave my now
and grow a new one
its just sad
that i can only control so much
only as much as the right now
i see in my mind

and not the reality
that is right now
i cannot right the wrong
i cannot undo what has been done

whatever the case
right now
i'm done