CAVEAT LECTOR

Read at your own risk. This blogger is not responsible for making sense.

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

almost 5:00am

its almost 5:00am
i tend to forget

its almost 5:00am
is it too early?
or is it too late?

its almost 5:00am
sleep has wrapped her arms around me

its almost 5:00am
i'm so tired i could scream

its almost 5:00am
i can barely keep my eyes open

its almost 5:00am
i worked all through the night

its almost 5:00am
time to face the new day's light

its almost 5:00am
and i find myself with nothing to do

its almost 5:00am
still i am looking for you

what time of the day
would i stop thinking of you?

would there ever be a minute
without me being reminded of you?

its almost 5:00am
and you're still on my mind

its almost 5:00am
what's a girl to do?

if only i held the sands of time
then every second would define
only the moments we held
only the moments we had

but alas the hour glass
i do not possess
i have nothing
everything to lose
everything to regret

its already 5:00am
lest i forget

its already 5:00am
i am reminded
of the value of sleep
of the price of rest

5:00am has passed
only my heart is awake
everything else longs for death

5:00am has passed
and i long to be beside you
i long to feel you near

5:00am has come and gone
it doesn't matter anymore
only that i thought of you
in hopes that you thought of me too

it will only be after another dusk
it will only be after another dawn
that another 5:00am will come
but it matters not
when i think of you

as my thoughts roam
and my feelings linger
what we can only have is a now
and never forever

just as 5:00am
came and went
so will we






Monday, November 29, 2004

lover & friend

the eyes of a friend
the look of a lover

the hands of a friend
the touch of a lover

the mind of a friend
the thoughts of a lover

does the friendship begin
when the loving ends?

will the friendship
fuel the love?

or will the love
quench the friendship?

can both co-exist
one with the other?

or will one have to stand out
and serve as the measure?

i have heard of
friends turning into lovers
and lovers being just friends

can this be true to us?
or are we just fooling ourselves?

during the dawn
when i find myself awake
i fear of losing
that love
and that friendship

could i bear losing one
and not the other?
but i'd rather suffer so

than both turning over to anger
and not being able to see you
with the eyes of a friend
and the look of a lover

but could our friendship
stand the strain
of an ambiguous love affair?

could our love
stand the strain
of being limited to friendship?

i could not answer
how i long for answers
for if i could just glimpse
beyond the mist which envelopes me

and not cause pain
in exchange for the duties i must keep
i would unchain my heart
i would let it be free

i would let it be free
to stay with thee

but i know not
and i foresee nothing

so i would rather bear
the burden of letting go
a lover
in hopes of keeping
a friend

than to lose both
if one or both of us
could no longer endure
when neither friendship
nor love is no longer enough

when time comes
that our being together
must come to an end
whether as lovers
or as friends

when faced with the inevitable

Today i was reminded of a scolding a gave years ago to a friend. But this time the tragedy of it all, does not regard the topic with miniscule relationship issues but weighs it down with the reality of life and death. Still the same question remains...

When faced with the inevitable would we just choose to quietly anticipate the impending doom? Or suffer the insufficience of living life under its shadow?

Whether faced with an incurable disease or a departing loved-one, i find just no sense in depriving one's self of life's simple pleasures just because the time may come that it can no longer be advanced or no longer be enjoyed.

Sure it is a reason that what would become of the would-be partner who would thereby suffer afterward, but who doesn't suffer? We are all bound to face the inevitable - whether sickness,
or death or betrayal or pain. They lurk in life's every corner ready to pounce on any random individual. They neither choose nor care if the victim be a child, a criminal, innocent, or wise. We are all bound to the uncertainty of existence whether we like it or not.

With every instance of pain and suffering, what is worse is the anxious anticipation of such. Sorry to sound so textbook but Humanistic theorists would insist that worrying is a waste of time. We are the masters of our destiny, and every moment we create it and move toward or away from it. Each minute of worry then, anticipating the pain and sadness that is YET to come, that is YET to befall - whether inevitable or not, is just prolonging the hurt, magnifying the wounds, and delaying the life which one could in fact still lead.

It is not for me to deny that it would be true the limited and restricted nature of pleasure and passion one may encounter in this sense. But isn't it also a fact that happiness and sadness are but faces of the same coin? There can never be complete happiness or complete sadness.

Wouldn't this so much the more encourage us to live happier lives though limited the pleasures we can enjoy? It is in its rarity that there is found its value. Isn't that why people value so much the soul mate? or the true love? because they are rare, don't they then become precious and sought after? Of what difference is life and its simple pleasures?

Hard-hearted as it may sound, i do not pity so much people who are dying or who are in pain. because their pain is evident and clear. Whereas most people go through life not even knowing what and why they are not happy - only drifting in the shallow sensations but never really experiencing life. Sometimes i guess it takes such earth-shattering occurrences for a life to be truly shaken.

It is also a fallacy that the possibility of death knocking at their door is conceived closer than that of the normal person. Because it is not. It is just the conception that is negative. Aren't we constantly reminded to live everyday as if it is our last? Wouldn't that be more effective then when we are not taking advantage of our mind's myth of invincibility - that nothing could happen to us and we could not die?

Instead when i see such people, i admire them. In my own masochistic way i envy them. In my opinion, we should not view these people in pity. Although i do not know how they personally wish to be treated, i for one would not sell them short. Because God does not give such trials to ordinary people. He only grants great trials to great individuals.

When a woman cannot be with child, it is then by virtue of God because she is capable of a love MORE than that which can be given to a child of her own. She can love just as much a child not her own. She is a better person. And she can be more. Persecution is not always punishment, it is more often pruning.

When a person is striken by a terrible disease, it is then by virture of God that he is capable of overcoming such pain while touching others at the same time. He is a better person. He is stronger. He can reach out to many others who only believe they suffer in pain, when he in fact has overcome the immense reality of pain.

"God does not allow us to be tempted beyond what we can bear, and when we are tempted He will give us a way to stand up under it." It may sound corny, mentioning deity as if it is the be-all and end-all of life, because although i believe it does, i want for this to be more logical than spiritual in nature.

And so i say, i may die tomorrow or hurt or lose a loved-one. It will be painful. But i will not sit by and watch that happen, waiting in a dark corner. No one should. No one deserves that. The power of knowing is already a weapon against anticipation.

I have list of things i want to do before i die and although i have not finished the list, and though i have not accomplished it, i will live each day knowing that i have not wasted an hour worrying over being left alone because i know it will be an hour taken away from me playing with my daughter. And every minute i ponder the chances of my heart being broken i lost a minute of finding a way to make sure some other heart will be kept together.

There is no end to the inevitabilities of life, but there is an end to choice. We have no control over inevitabilities, but though how limited the options - we still have control over choice.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

my last tears

when will i cry my last tears?
when will i be with you?
when will i stop being with you?

when will i move on?
when will i get over you?
when will i not have to get over you?
when will i cry my last tears?

maybe it is not when
maybe the question is "will i ever?"

maybe there never will be
maybe there is no such thing as my last tears

and no such thing as being with or without you
because there never was a you
just me creating an image of you

and so such things as moving on or getting over
because there can be no one after you
just me creating an image of you

and no such thing as not having to get over you
because there can be no such possibility
when you yourself, you are walking away from me

and as you go
perhaps my last tears will go with you
or not
perhaps they would be the first
and as i hold on to every thing i thought we had
perhaps they wouldn't be my last tears


constant goodbyes

i sort of knew this time would come
and i believe you have too

you have constantly hinted it
and everytime it cut me

constantly i have prepared myself
but still here i am
and here you are

each one going
and each one being left behind
always there are constant goodbyes

eventually maybe the hurting would stop
eventually maybe the numbing would begin

and we could stop saying goodbye
once and for all
we could stop saying constant goodbyes
once and for all
live the minute after our goodbyes have been said

devoid of each other
devoid of each other's touch
devoid of each other's words
devoid of each other's constant goodbyes

i sort of knew one of us would have to end it
and i believe you have too

i didn't want it to be me bec i would hurt you
and i didn't want it to be you bec you would hurt me
but either way we would both get hurt
and i guess that is just the way it has to be

we have to stop saying goodbye
once and for all
we should stop saying our constant goodbyes
and live the minute after those goodbyes have been said

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

while i was... you were...

while i was in the midst of a desert
you were in the midst of your own abyss

while i was distracted by my world
you sought distraction from me

while i was consumed by my worries and cares
you went about your way wanting me to come with

while i was drowning in confusion
you wanted to swim along

while i was longing for peace
you shook the ground beneath me

while i was in love with you
you loved me even more

while i was in a cage of my creation
you waited for a hint of inspiration

that there would be an us
not just an i and a you...

but there is just me
and there is just you

because while i was...
you were...

and because i was
while you were...

i got hurt
and so did you

so suddenly

one day
so suddenly
you came to me

and i knew not
knew not what to say
how to feel

but that you came to me
made me see the world differently

and so it was
that there was a you and me

but then one day
so suddenly
you pounced at me

i knew not
knew not what to say
though now i knew what to feel

now that you turned on me
the world is not so different
only you are now different toward me

but now that you are
what we could have been
can no longer be

and so it is
so suddenly
that there can never be a you and me

Friday, November 12, 2004

how to live forever

If something comes to life in others because of you, then you have made an approach to immortality.

-- Norman Cousins --

virtues that define maturity

The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect,
he becomes an adolescent;

the day he forgives them,
he becomes an adult;

the day he forgives himself,
he becomes wise.

Alden Nowlan

when you thought i wasn't looking

When You Thought I Wasn't Looking

When you thought I wasn't looking,
I saw you hang up my first painting on the refrigerator,
and I wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking,
I saw you feed a stray cat,
and I thought it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking,
I saw you make my favorite cake for me,
and I knew that little things are special things.

When you thought I wasn't looking,
I heard you say a prayer,
and I believed there is a God I could always talk to.

When you thought I wasn't looking,
I felt you kiss me goodnight,
and I felt loved.

When you thought I wasn't looking,
I saw that you cared,
and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking,
I LOOKED....
and wanted to say thanks for all the things
I saw when you thought I wasn't looking.

Thanks to Connie Back

Thursday, November 11, 2004

and fafa nietzsche said

"One must still have chaos within oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star."

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

what i miss about UP

1. i miss the know -it-all teachers who really do know it all
2. i miss the hot classrooms with broken electric fans and arm chairs
3. i miss the goat outside the new building
4. i miss the AS building and the drudgery of having to cross the sahara to get there
5. i miss taking 24-hour exams where we rolled on the AS lobby trying to figure out the answers while drinking really bad coffee
6. i miss cook-out
7. i miss being able to cut classes
8. i miss the shotguns of Mdm Ladot and Mdm Busano
9. i miss all the silly and unpretentious conversations
10. i miss eating at browngate
11. i miss hanging out at shangrila, apo, malacanang, main building front steps
12. i miss playing volleyball with doris, kaka, lonz, ashley, burna, ching... and everybody else
13. i miss watching people walk around the campus
14. i miss talking about the people walking around campus
15. i miss pasko sa UP
16. i miss all the messed up night life activities
17. i miss pseudo-listening to discussion while day-dreaming
18. i miss manang who sells banana-q near gaisano
19. i miss honky dory
20. i miss writing in the blue book
21. i miss the covered walk
22. i miss the library where i used to follow my crush around
23. i miss the photocopier who was always so busy
24. i miss not eating in the canteen
25. i miss running and hiding from teachers who come in 15 minutes after the time
26. i miss crazy day
27. i miss seeing everybody taking the greatest effort to NOT look sane
28. i miss riding the jeepney 04C
29. i miss the LRC
30. i miss the soccer field and the cute guys who play soccer
31. i miss hanging out in the tennis court
32. i miss all the college gossip
33. i miss the windy AS lobby
34. i miss waiting for class to start and being exhuberant about having it cancelled
35. i miss the airconditioned soc. sci. dept.
36. i miss the short cut where we took long walks to Ayala
37. i miss cramming the night before for an exam
38. i miss more the relief after i have taken it
39. i miss all my crushes -- boys and girls
40. most of all i miss being around all those incredibly intelligent people who don't look it, act like it, or care if they are

my uncertainty

everywhere that is not around you
is not worth being

everyone who is not you
is not worth being

but being with you
is a dream and a heart-ache

it is knowing
i love you
but it is also knowing
the uncertainty

the uncertainty of having
the uncertainty of loving

but not being with you
is longing and loneliness

it is knowing
i want to be with you
but it is also knowing
why i should not be with you

the uncertainty of having
the uncertainty of loving

this is but my dilemma
this is but my dream
this is but my doom

this is for no one's concern
this is for no one's hurt
this is for no one
no one but me

Monday, November 08, 2004

man making man's doom

We have geared the machines and locked all together into interdependence
We have built the great cities;now there is no escape.
We have gathered vast populations incapable of free survival
Insulated from the srong earth,each person he himself helpless, on all dependent,
The circle is closed,and the net is being hauled in.
-- from Purse-Seine by Robinson Jeffers

last answers

I wrote a poem on the mist
And a woman asked me what I meant by it.
I had thought till then only of the beauty of the mist,
how pearl and gray of it mix and reel,
And change the drab shanties with lighted lamps at evening
into points of mystery quivering with color.

I answered:
The whole world was mist once long ago and some day
it will all go back to mist,
Our skulls and lungs are more water than bone and tissue
And all poets love dust and mist because all the last answers
Go running back to dust and mist.

-- Carl Sandburg

Why people cry out as they do

Tyranny cuts off the singer's head
But the voice from the bottom of the well
Returns to the secret springs of the earth
And rises out of nowhere
Through the mouths of the people.

-- Pablo Neruda