being a child-parent

February 25,2006 -- 9:10pm

Early this week, I went home to a different room. My father obviously had some free time in his hands and decided to experiment on redecorating my room.

I apologize to all the independent and liberated women out there with whom I share the passion of independence, freedom, and liberation... but yes... I do live with my father (and my younger sister, who we jointly support).

Going back to my re-arranged room, I would have to say it did look a lot cleaner and organized but I have to admit, I was annoyed for the first few hours... and days living in it. And why?

Now I will relay the humble wisdom of a 20-something who is a child and parent at the same time and that is...

Why NOT to touch your kid's room, even if it does look like a tornado ran through it

1. Well, first of all, I can't find a single thing. I remember an age-old saying, "There is order in my chaos." I remember my first few minutes being in my re-arranged room, I couldn't even find my underwear. My room was not as organized as I wanted to be, and even further from what my father thought was organized. But most of the things in my room had their place for a reason, though ironically out-of-place they may have seemed.

2. It's an invasion of privacy. Let's admit it, there are things your kid would like to keep from you or things that you may not be ready to see. Doing this may upset both of you unnecessarily. When your kids are ready to show these things to you or when you are ready to see them, they will emerge as natural things without going through the angst and stress of disbelief. When we moved from out from my grandparents' place to our current apartment, I remember my father actually re-organizing the box where I kept all my love letters. Would you believe that? He separated the post cards from the love letters, and even noted on some of them that had wrong grammar. (He's an English professor in a local university. He couldn't help himself.)

3. Once your kid has a room, there is a sense of ownership there. Just like you wouldn't like your child messing up your room, a mutual respect and understanding should be in place. It is extremely stressful to not be able to find your own things in your own room especially in an environment where you have been inclined to think belongs to you.

Those are just my top 3. I'm sure many other kids have their opinions too. But I have a relatively high degree of patience and affection for my father to not freak out at what happened to my room. I even thanked him a few days later. I guess because I'm a parent too, I can understand where he's coming from. So here's reasoning from the parent point of view

Why NOT to get angry at your parents for cleaning up your room

1. They have your best interests at heart - in terms of hygiene anyway. A lot of creepy crawly things find their way into messy rooms, though how much we try to deny it. A certain smell comes with this too - undesirable but since we get used to it, sometimes it goes unnoticed. Believe me, your parents are doing you a favor. Imagine if you had to do it yourself? (Good discipline though, and at least you know where everything is, but the effort to be put into it may eat into the time we have set for a plethora of other things I'm sure we'd rather be doing than cleaning)

2. Sometimes there are some things we can't find in our chaos - missing earring, lost hair clip, misplaced book, magic disappearing ballpens, all these things may just be in some awkward corner in the room that we easily lose track of them, leaving them to the world of lost and (probably never to be) found.

3. They can't help it. Parents are curious creatures. Growing up kids mean a lot of catching up for parents. If we don't let them into our lives voluntarily, they will find their way ( and sometimes it may be the hard way). They give ownership, but they demand accountability. They give independence (or they will eventually) but they demand responsibility and proof of capacity to handle what they are so hesitant to give.

I think that's enough parent- child outlook for one night. My daughter's saying she's sleepy now. Good night world.