rambling

why is it that when i miss a person i feel as if my body is in prolonged torture? it's as if there is this insatiable longing. like i'm drawn to an invisible vortex or rather to an opposing polarity.

why is it that opposite polarities of a magnet attract? and how is it that similar ones repel? what if these polarities weren't named positive and negative but, let's say... male and female, would that explain the existence of soulmates?

burned bridges

"... I am running away from something dreadful and cannot escape it. I am always with myself, and it is I who am my tormentor ... it is myself I am weary of and find intolerable and a torment. I want to fall asleep and forget myself and cannot, I cannot get away from myself."
-- Alexei Tolstoi


doors have been closed
bridges have been burned

there is no way back
there is nowhere else to turn

this is where the road ends
for us
if there ever was an us

Unhappy Ending

"My Happy Ending"
[By Avril Lavigne]

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something You said?

Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...
So much for my happy ending

weighing weight

some people say i gained weight, others say i lost weight, while i know for a fact that i neither gained nor lost a pound. although i am to a certain degree concerned with my weight. i especially have since i gave birth. i really don't care so much for dieting.

i see no point in starving and depriving yourself of food for the sake of physical aesthetics. i'm no ms. universe but still... i'd rather eat.

more often than not i forget to eat when i'm either too busy or too exhausted. otherwise i can say i'm pretty much a healthy eater. officemates have even gone to the extent of saying that my digestive system must be "male" with the way i eat.

i won't be hypocritical as to say that i don't scrutinize myself in front of the mirror and worry about the bulges here and there. but i still believe i could always work it out. the way i see it, it's not in what or how much i eat but instead in if and how i work it off.

i don't care. eating is one of the finer things in life. food is not only a necessity. truly delicious food is one of the few privileges in life that we get to enjoy. i'm not about to pass that up just because some person says i look fat.

"Officially Missing You"

[By Tamia]

All I hear is raindrops
Falling on the rooftop
Oh baby tell me why’d you have to go

Cause this pain I feel
It wont go away
And today I’m officially missing you

I thought that from this heartache
I could escape
But I fronted long enough to know
There ain’t no way
And today
I’m officially missing you

Oh can’t nobody do it like you
Said every little thing you do
Hey baby say it stays on my mind
And I, I’m officially

All I do is lay around
Two years full of tears
From looking at your face on the wall

Just a week ago you were my baby
Now I don’t even know you at all
I don’t know you at all

Well I wish that you would call me right now
So that I could get through to you somehow
But I guess it’s safe to say baby safe to say
That I’m officially missing you

Well I thought I could just get over you baby
But I see that’s something I just can’t do
From the way you would hold me
To the sweet things you told me
I just can’t find a way
To let go of you

It official
You know that I’m missing you
Yeah yes
All I hear is raindrops
And I’m officially missing you

a poetic comparison

This was from a card i received last October 14, 1996

i love the way you love me
the ways you care
i love the way you look at me and smile

i love your understanding
the way you say my name when we embrace
and the way you tell me you love me

i love the way you laugh with me
and want me near
the way you share your thoughts and hopes with me

i love the way you think of us as one

i love the way you love me
and the way i love you.

And this is a poem i wrote recently for someone else

i love the way you look
i love the way you look at me
even if its just in my head

i love the way i look at you
i love to look, even if you're a sight that breaks my heart

i love the way you laugh
i love the way you make me laugh
even if the joke's on me

i love the way you are so sweet
i love your sweetness
even if it's not meant for me

i love the way i know you
i love your name
even if it's the only thing i know about you

i love the way you know me
i love the mystery of being unknown

i love the way your presence makes me shiver and sweat
i love it... even if i'm scared

i love the way i love you
i love you
even if it hurts

i love thee
through sobs and tears i have counted the ways
but so much more will i love the day
the day when you say

you love me.

the terri schiavo dilemma

i've never really given a second thought to euthanasia cases like this before, but the sensation caused by this case as of the moment brings numerous issues to light.

first of all, who does hold the right to decide whether the woman literally lives or dies? is it her husband? her parents? the supreme court? or the laws governing the United States of America? and i had always thought that decision was up to a supreme being... an omnipotent creator... an almighty God.

aside from the issue of valuing human life, there is also the defining of human life - what quality of human life may be defined as acceptable? is being a vegetable on life-support defined as living?

as much as i'd rather have terri herself speak up to decide her fate, that isn't an option so now everyone's at each other's throat trying to decide what's best for her... or in my opinion, more for themselves... whichever.

after 15 years on life support...

• does husband have the right to cut it off so he could start anew?
• can parents sustain having her attached to an artificial existence?
• will the justice system now have the authority to determine the life or death (not of a criminal but) of a victim?
• will george bush ever make up his mind? (Passing that stupid bill in Florida and now contradicting it as president)

i find it quite annoying how people debate on the fate of an entirely separate person. it is just such a shame she could not speak for herself at this time, and so people put different words in her mouth - making her live through or rather not permitting her to live at all, if living is what you call the state she is in now.

God forbid that i be in a situation similar to that though. if i had to make a choice between keeping myself and consequently my family as well as her alive at the same time, in contrast to the lifestyle i could have, it would be torture to the conscience (to weigh who would be more significant and thereby worthy of such monetary allocation). however, i still say why uproot a tree if you have no better use for the land? if her staying alive as she is does not impede on the life of someone else and if someone can afford to keep her alive then why not?

an old card

yesterday i found a love letter addressed to me. it was an old love letter. more of a card really, with just my name and the name of the guy who gave it to me written up front a very expensive-looking, elegantly-written card. he didn't even write it. i believe it was in high school when i got that card. it made me remember a lot of things... like how stupid i used to be then (and consequently how stupid i am now), or how puppy-eyed i must have been over that guy (and ironically how numb i feel now towards anybody).

were those events in the past instrumental to creating my sentiments and beliefs about love and relationships now? i would say so.

it was just such a wonder for me how coincidentally similar that poem was to a recent poem i penned. and this was before i came across that old card. coincidence? or fate? i don't know...

but it pretty much settles where i am in terms of relationship and love and shit like that. i am still in a wasteland of emotions where feelings are mixed up, ambiguous, and untrustworthy - just like i am. where i am is in an old card - expensive-looking and elegantly-written, but with only as much content as my name... and the guy who once gave it to me.

behind

i'm pretty much behind on a lot of current events lately. haven't been listening to news, haven't been interested in news, and haven't cared about the news.

• i heard some kids died from eating cassava.
• i heard the abu sayaff took over a prison facility
• i heard aviator already showed in theaters
• i heard brad pitt and jennifer aniston broke up
• i heard manny pacquiao lost to morales

well how late am i? pretty darn late i think. i feel like i've been cooped up somewhere in hibernation when in fact i haven't gone anywhere at all. maybe my brain just shut off for a couple of days.

i feel like i'm living in a cocoon of an existence. wrapped in some blanket of wariness that only seems to cover my immediate surroundings. so if it does not concern my daughter and our home, then i guess it's beyond my horizon. a problem though is that i don't want to come out of my cocoon.

i've discovered that caring too much is no good. it's frustrating, annoying, and tiring. maybe i'm wrong but i'm tired. so i don't really care.

maybe i should find myself a new job where i won't have to feel so tired all the time. or maybe i should get myself a new life...

running out

i have run out of words to say
silence is my only comfort
i have run out of emotions to feel
numbness is my sole companion

i have run out of desires to want
but i am neither contented nor satisfied
yet i have run out of longing
all that is left is but a void with nothing to hide

nothing to hide
nothing to lose

nothing to gain
nothing to want

i just have to get by
through the day
i just have to
whether with you
or without you

it doesn't matter anymore
i just have to get by

just one breath after another
just one one second after the other

it will all be over soon
life will be over soon
just like everything else that i have ever hoped for
... it will be over soon.

bisaya ispisyal - WALA!

wala lang
wala lang ko'y lingaw
wala ko'y kwarta, kay ngano?
wala pa ma'y sweldo
ug inig abot pud ato
ibayad rapud sa utang
hala ka sakto ba diay na?
wala ta'y mahimo

wala napud ko'y ginikanan
dalaga'g ulitaw naman sila
wala napud ko'y apuhan, lola nalang isa pero
wala napud ko kita niya

magpamisa unta ko's akong lolo ron.
kalimot pa jud ko. faeta!
unsaon ta man? busy kunuhay ang life
trabaho wa ug tuo

sakto jud ang clusivol nga commercial
"mahirap magkasakit ngayon"
samot kalisod labi nag
naa pa ju'y bata
bahala na
basta makalampos lang

gipangutana bitaw ko nila
unsa kuno akong pili-on...
langitnong sala o
yawan-ong himaya.
ay dah wala man ta'y mapili ana oi
pero kung huna-hunaon pud
nakapili naman jud ang tao ana ba
wala lang gipanganlan ug kana
bahala nlng...
sa inadlawan nlng panginabuhi...

ako bitaw...
wala ko'y padungan. sige nalang
wala man pud ko'y kauban. ang-ang...
wala man ko'y gisugot
pero maski nag-inusara ra unta
mura ra man gihapon
tabla ra'g wala ko paminawa
lisod na ning ang wala'y buot makig kauban pa jud ug wala'y buot.
maglabad ra atong ulo

wala man pud ko'y kalibutan
wala man pud ko galagot
wala pud ko malipay
wala na ko'y gibati
wala nalang ta'y pugsanay

wala...
diha bitaw gasugod tanan diba... sa wala
nya inig kahuman didto ra gihapon ta padung tanan...
sa wala.

wala...
maypa diay
wala nalang sad ta'y hilabtanay
wala lang...
wala'y magbuot!

role playing

child
mother
daughter
sister

these define who i am
whatever i do
wherever i go
these are the roles i play
roles i did not necessarily choose to be
but roles that i had to fulfill

lover
girlfriend
wife

how about these?
are these still roles of volition?
aren't they defined by the things i do?
how is it that i choose not to be
but i am defined as these?

someone once told me
it is because i allow other people to treat me as such
and so i become as they expect me to be

could it be that their expectations
are so far up my ass i couldn't tell where
their bullshit ends and where mine begins?

super friends

I was working today in Ayala Center. There was a Justige League Show. The show took about 15 minutes. Rip off? :) hehe If you're meticulous about it, maybe. But the kids went nuts in those 15 minutes so i guess it was okay. Amazing who you meet during surveys like these. Aside from the Super Friends - who were very much inactive by the way (they just did a very short action sequence - there wasn't even a story! and waved at all the screaming kids), the different personalities i get to interview is everything from entertaining and talkative to aloof and downright rude.

It just dawned on me that I have been working here for the past 6 years. I have grown in this field. I don't even have to look at the questionnaire when I do the interview. I'm getting old. :) I don't care, it's all about the money. hahaha

I'm not fond of the Super Friends. They're superheroes who are friends. Not much relationship issues going there (maybe egoistic but otherwise), mostly saving the world business.

Friends are a plethora of people, from entertaining ad talkative to aloof and downright rude. But that's okay. Now why is that? When a lover (boy/girl friend) or even a family member is mean, more often than not - multiple conflicts arise and problems usually come from it. But if a friend is known to be mean, it's okay. It's accepted. I don't know if this is a widely-accepted belief, but in my case it rings true.

I have come to be fond of people - whether good or bad (as defined by societal standards). And it doesn't really matter. It's pretty much a given that when you befriend a person, then you accept the person - even if she's bitchy as hell.

Maybe the way we evaluate people in different relationships are different too, and in my personal case, my friends are on a more lenient scale compared to all others. What's fun about friends is that there are no obligations - or so i define it. Unlike intimate relationships where there occurs mutual responsibility/ commitment and stuff like that; and family which necessitates the same, friendship is just there when it's there. I guess that's the greatest test of friendship. It's having attachment without obligation. It's knowing each other and not caring if that is the way the person is, just that there is something among you that brings you together. There needs no "what-do-we-do-next" or "what-are-we-now" conversations, no obligations to help each other, just the volition to do so which is consequent of who we are to each other.

That is a Super Friend.