decisions... decisions

We make decisions everyday - from the color of our underwear every morning, to how we spend our time during the day, to the thoughts we entertain late in the night. Some decisions are puny and sometimes even considered insignificant like what to say to the cute guy that's about to say 'Hi!" while others are earth-shaking and life-altering: What will I be? Who will I marry? Should i go bald or should i just dye my hair pink?

We are bombarded with choices every single day. We are presented with predetermined alternatives which we have to power or control over. Free will is a funny thing because there is a fence around it. Take for example the simple question, "How will i get to work?" There are a plethora of options:

a. walk/run
b. commute - taxi, jeep
c. fly
d. swim
e. crawl
f. others, please specify. (hehehe i can't think of any more)

Of course some of these options are just out of the question because we are limited by the capacities of being human and the social norms by which we operate. Well, sometimes we can work our way around/ under or over them...

But nevertheless, making a major decision will always have to literally tear your heart open for you to see what you would be capable of tolerating and what you are willing to lose... other than that, the problem left would be if you could just live with that decision.

that numbing feeling

you know that feeling
when you can't feel a thing?
that numbness that just takes over
the feeling of everything
and nothing all at once

sometimes things just take an ugly turn
even if your intentions are good
sometimes things just take a turn for the worst
even if your intentions are good

i just feel numb
all my feelings
have been exhausted
i just feel numb
as if all the blood
has just been drained out of my system
there is just nothing left

i could jump off the third floor
and i probably wouldn't feel a thing
that's how numb i feel

it's as if i have to feel everything
but its so overwhelming
that consequently i end up feeling nothing.

nothing at all

letting go

He is no fool who gives that which he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.
-- Jim Elliot --

My Boulevard of Broken Dreams

[By Green Day]

I walk a lonely road
The only one I that have ever known
Don't know were it goes
But its home and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Blvd. of broken dreams
Were the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone

My shadow the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find
Till then I'll walk alone

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line of the edge
And were I walk alone

Read between the lines of what's
F**ked up and every things all right
Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive
And I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Blvd. of broken dreams
Were the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone

My shadow the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find
Till then I'll walk away!

My Last Sunrise Before Turning 24

It's February 6, 2005. I wake up in a crowded tent by the beach with unconscious bodies lying all around me. It's still dark. It's 5:13am. almost everybody's in a drunken slumber, only a couple of brave souls left in a dizzied awareness.


I grab the nearest towel and make believe it’s a good blanket. Now is not the time to worry about what belongs to whom. Anyway the only thing I’m wearing that’s mine are my knickers. The swimsuit, the shirt, even the slippers are all “borrowed.”


I position myself on a couple of mono bloc chairs so as not to fall over. I wait for the sun to come out of the clouds while listening to songs like “Save Tonight,” by Eagle Eye Cherry and “How You Remind Me,” by Nickel back blaring from a tiny MP3 player we
hooked up to the Videoke Machine with a busted microphone. It serves its purpose.


And as rays of sunlight begin to break through the clouds, Ryan picks up his digicam to capture the moment. I decide to just stare and upload it in gray matter instead. The cold “fresh” breeze, beach ambiance, and the sunrise… that moment… everything... priceless.

ang promotion... bow

I got promoted last month from IRA to Internet Research Associate Team Lead. I would rather not be a Team Leader though had i known that there would just be a whole lot more work load with no additional pay at all. Honestly, it's a lot more difficult dealing with people, let alone leading them as this connotes - looking after them, guiding them, cleaning up after them... not the kind of job i'd like to be doing. Specially when some of them don't think i'm supposed to be where i am because they feel that they're better. I don't disagree with them but i think we should let other people do the back-patting, don't you think?

And just last week, i got promoted "again" to Classical Marketing Specialist. I've been promoted twice and i'm still in probation. It's supposed to be good news, but the bad news is that i still don't get a pay increase. That is until i become a regular employee, which is about 2 months from now. Faeta! Now the people who in the first place, disagreed to my first promotion are definitely peeved. hehehe But you know what... it's not about being better, it's all about my superiors.

I'm very fortunate and blessed working directly with amazing confident people who acknowledge my work and my potentials. It wouldn't have mattered if i were the best employee to walk the earth if i were invisible to higher management, or if they took credit for my output. Although i do believe that my work is their work, it meant a lot that they considered me.

So i guess... it's not just about what you know... but who you know...

Xodus

There is an epidemic where I'm working. An epidemic that has ignited a steady exodus of otherwise competent and talented individuals. Although there is no question of the belief that the company and its industry has the capacity to develop and grow, supposedly tagging everyone along with that, a cloud of negativity has enveloped the vicinity's working atmosphere.

So why and how did this happen?

More than anything, it has come down to "dissatisfaction in management."

First of all is the skewed salary brackets. Pioneer, hard-working, knowledgeable employees hired for recognized expertise in their respective fields receive measly pay compared to new-hires with undetermined qualifications except for English-speaking proficiency. And what's worse is that pioneer, hard-working, knowledgeable employees work the longest hours with tasks above and beyond what their job description defines.

It is quite funny how a nanny can say "I don't do windows." But a pioneer employee where I work handles the work load of 3 positions on the meager salary of 1 and is even deprived due incentives because of the raise in position but not in compensation.

People joined this company because there was the belief that it had a future and that there was a future for us in this company. However, at this point, that future has become bleak.

Secondly, initiative and pro-activity is stunted as management has created an impression that "everyone/ anyone is dispensable." Employees who willingly offer time, skill, effort, and knowledge for the innovation of processes and systems are fenced in because of the limitations of management. But isn't that the reason professionals are hired in the first place? Because management can only do so much? In the words of Lee Iacocca, "Management is nothing more than motivating other people." Such ideas and initiatives should be encouraged and not hindered. Management chose to hire these individuals for their potentials, a corresponding trust for their capabilities and consideration for their proposals would best maximize their capacities. To quote Victor Kiam, "Entrepreneurs are risk-takers, willing to roll the dice with their money or reputation on the line in support of an idea or enterprise. They willingly assume responsibility for the success or failure of a venture and are answerable for all its facets. The buck not only stops at their desks, it starts their too." And not just to keep piling up the work that's sometimes even irrelevant to their field of expertise already.

Third, evaluation should be based on objective performance- on what a person is able to deliver or the output an employee is able to bring forth. This should be unlike the current trend which is person-centered (as opposed to result-oriented) fault-finding measures where an employee's qualities incompatible to his/her superiors color their "perceived performance." Or trivial details like taking additional 30-minute breaks after a 12-hour work day and disagreeing interpretations on appropriate "office attire" become bases for scolding and demerit.

Although there is no denying that all employees have their faults and weaknesses, these are all the more reasons for a strong and trustworthy management. There ought be a shift in focus from an intent desire for control, management dependence, and salary justification but rather the creation of procedural systems that are self-sufficient - able to function with less supervision still yielding quality output.

Once employees are empowered they will feel accountable to the company and perform better - even speak better English because it is but natural for people to return the good favor and trust bestowed upon them.

Many want to stay in the company for the simple reason that people have come to enjoy working together as a team but are forced to leave because of the frustrating work conditions.

No institution can possibly survive if it needs geniuses or supermen to manage it. It must be organized in such a way as to be able to get along under a leadership composed of average human beings.
Peter F. Drucker 1909-, American management guru